Category: Relationship

Survivors of Suicide Loss

November 19th was International Survivors of Suicide Loss Day this year. Being a loved one for someone who has completed suicide is unimaginably hard. It is such a complex grief. So how do we move on with our lives so we don’t stay stuck? How do we continue to hold love for our child, parent, relative, or friend while still loving ourselves when they are gone? I have heard many people blame themselves. They blame themselves for not seeing the signs or knowing what that person was feeling or thinking. They blame themselves for not being a good support. I’ve

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Telling Healthy Relationships from Unhealthy Ones

No relationship is perfect… a relationship is two people, with two different experiences, and two different ways of thinking. A relationship can be with family, friends, or intimate partners. So naturally, there are going to be differences. Our history, previous interactions, and relationships influence how we interact in our current relationships. Just because someone did something wrong, or did something that seemed malicious, doesn’t mean it was on purpose. I’m a firm believer that everyone deserves a second chance. It’s not always easy telling healthy relationships from unhealthy ones. Here’s some steps to figure it out: o Communicate your boundarieso

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Self-Differentiation: Where Do I End and They Begin?

Where do I end and they begin? A major milestone in every independent adult’s life is establishing self-differentiation. What is differentiation of self, you ask? Well, it’s the beginning of adulthood. Self-differentiation describes a few processes but begins with a separation from a person’s family of origin (we, in the industry call this the FOO) as they embark on their own journey in life. In short, it’s growing up, but it’s not just growing up — it’s figuring out who you are and developing your own secure identity. This milestone is typically smooth for folks who grew up in healthy

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Interrupting Our Pain Cycle

Have you ever looked back on arguments and wondered why you react a certain way when dealing with conflict? Perhaps those closest to you have told you that that you’re controlling, you withdraw, or you explode and blame others when a conflict occurs. Maybe you’ve even lost relationships because of these patterns. Do you ever feel dysregulated or unable to manage your emotions? That you’re in a situation and don’t know why or what to do about it? The term for this pattern of dysregulation and unhealthy responses is called a Pain Cycle. By understanding our own Pain Cycle, we

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Understanding Your Attachment Style

Have you noticed patterns in your romantic relationships, either good or bad? Chances are — if you really think about it — you will see patterns in how you connect with people, feel loved, develop trust, and communicate your needs. Many of these patterns can be predicted by understanding you attachment style. Attachment styles affect how people feel about themselves, how they get close to one another, what they expect from each other, and the unique ways in which they show vulnerability or respond to conflict. Where Do Our Attachment Styles Come From? Humans, like all creatures, are hardwired for

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Why I Love Boundaries

I’m going to nerd out a bit and talk about my favorite topic: boundaries! I know that sounds ridiculous, but I had never heard of boundaries prior to becoming a therapist. I’ve come to love boundaries and, as something that has helped me so much, boundaries happen to be my fave discussion! My Story I used to have really horrible boundaries. I let people walk all over me, and I was constantly giving and giving… and giving. It felt like I didn’t have strong connections with family and friends, and I felt alone. It was awful feeling like I was

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How To Enforce Boundaries

Hi, parents of teenagers! How are you holding up? Seriously… you okay? I know it’s rough. On top of navigating their moodiness, you’re trying to keep them safe and give them more independence. You hope that they’re making good choices. Because you don’t want them to make the same mistakes you did, and you try to be there whenever they need you. You wonder if their friends are good influences. Maybe you wonder if their struggles are normal or if they are evidence that you failed somehow… I might be projecting a bit on that last one.  Thankfully, there is

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Raising Them to Leave Us Fostering Resilience  Pt. 2

Fostering resilience in teens can be scary for us as parents as we learned in Part 1 of this blog post. By providing them with the appropriate supports, we are helping them to launch successfully into adulthood. Early development of resilience. The fundamentals of resiliency start in infancy and continue on into early childhood. During this period, little ones are completely reliant on their primary attachment figure, be it a parent or other caregiver, to meet their every need. Through this bond they learn to trust and that they are worthy of having their needs met. Lots of nurturing and lots of

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Attachment Trauma

If you struggle with relationships, you are not alone. There are some dominant cultural narratives that assumes there is something wrong with us, but science and research offers us a more expansive view. Our relationship challenges may be rooted in what is known as “attachment trauma”. Attachment Theory We need to first understand attachment to understand attachment trauma. Attachment theory argues humans are born with a need to form a close emotional bond with a caregiver and that attachment is critical to a young child’s development. Both the presence and quality of attachment matter. If our bonding is strong, we

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